Every night since before Christmas, I’ve been going to bed around 4am. If I lay in bed and don’t go to sleep immediately my mind wanders to the best method of ending my life. My ideal would be to go to sleep and just not wake up the next morning, but I don’t know how you’d go about that without actually taking action to make it happen. It’s not so much that I want to actively end it; it’s more that I’ve had enough and don’t especially want it to continue.
Still not found a job and I expect a lot of people would say I’m not trying hard enough. However, I am trying my best.
It would appear my plan to regularly write and keep track of stuff didn’t last long.
I managed to get a job as temporary Christmas staff in a shop, which could have led to a permanent position. However, two weeks after starting, the store announced it was closing down and nobody would be kept on at all.
Christmas itself was a bit rubbish. Decided I’m not going to take part next year.k
Since about midnight I have been thinking of going to bed and it’s now getting close to 3am. Why am I watching The Twilight Zone on YouTube? I have no plans for tomorrow, much the same as pretty much every other day, but if it’s dry I might go out on my bike. I should have a shower too as I can’t remember when I last had one. I’ve been meaning to all week yet somehow haven’t managed it.
I’m going to start scoring my mood at the end of each post. 1/10 would be very low and I hope to never be putting that. 10/10 would be great, but can’t see that happening either. So today’s score is…
I have an interview for the job I applied for.
In other news, I need to sort out my sleep pattern. I’m often not going to bed till around 3:30am and getting up around midday, with a snooze at about 6pm.
My dad is looking at different places to live as he believes the place he’s in now is poorly run, the staff are useless, the other residents are evil and he’s always right. I reality, he’s deluded and argumentative. He bullies some of the other residents to the point that the police may be involved soon, and refuses to accept that the staff aren’t his personal carers. He doesn’t accept that there are things they can’t tell him about the other residents and sometimes he’s wrong.
He’s been asking about my sister too. She refuses to visit him, but won’t tell him that. What am I supposed to say? She didn’t live with him while he was wetting himself, not eating and drinking, showering or taking any responsibility for himself. When she visits here she complains about everything; the volume of the tv, the way I make tea, where to park…
Applied for a job today. I know I’m not going to get it, but … something or other. I shall apply for another one tomorrow.
I got a lot of stuff from the loft tidied up today, but I didn’t find a box I was really hoping to find. I don’t know where else to look. I know I have it somewhere.
A friend of mine is coming back to live here soon. I do worry a bit that we will run out of things to say to each other or get on each other’s nerves after a while. Everything is great when I’m ‘normal’, but the moment there’s a hint of my depression it put a huge strain on out friendship. He thinks I put it on for attention or something. I don’t know how to explain it.
Today has been very flat. I’ve not done anything apart from get dressed, eat and watch tv.
The BBC released the figures for their top earning ‘stars’ and it’s kind of shocking. What do these people actually do? I don’t deny that they’re good at their jobs (apart from Jeremy Vine, he’s dreadful), but how can their salaries be justified? It probably doesn’t help that I’m out of work, have no money, and don’t see any chance of me getting a job any time soon. One interview I had went really well and I got on really well with the manager, but I didn’t get the job as she thought I would find it boring. It’s a lot more boring not having the job! I spent years in one job and, even if I do say myself, I was was bloody good at it. Although there were frequent requests from myself and colleagues, we never got any training apart from thinly disguised sales pitches. Unfortunately, the skills don’t really lend themselves to any other work. I’ve been doing voluntary work in a charity shop to show employers I can do other things, but even with that I haven’t had so much as a reply in months. And I’m not as young as I was.
I was on YouTube and somehow a video of a rare Allan & Heath drum machine popped up. It wasn’t very interesting, but it led to a Eko drum machine which looked fantastic.
I think I’ve finally managed to get rid of the smell from the car with copious amounts of febreeze, driving with the windows open (which was okay as it’s been hot) and white vinegar. I’m not taking him anywhere else again unless he can manage to be clean.
I woke up to find random red, itchy patches all over my arms and shoulders. Took some photos in case I decide to go to the doctor. It would be typical to be completely clear of it when I get an appointment.
I went to visit my dad at the care home today and took him out to get ice creams. The moment we got in the car it became quite apparent that he’d not had a shower or probably even changed his clothes for several days. The smell of stale urine was quite overpowering; even with the windows wound down. It’s a kind of smell that really stays with you no matter what you do. Febreeze, matches, lemon… Anyway, the ice cream was nice.
I really hoped he’d somehow start to take care of himself more. Not having him at home and having to put up with that daily has been great, and I’d almost forgotten about it and put it behind me. Sadly, he still clearly has no self respect or just doesn’t care even remotely about the people around him. Well done adult mental services. You’ve been great!
Worked for nine hours today. Well, I was at work for nine hours. At least three hours of that was listening to people talk crap and nodding in the right places. I’m not very good at that though. You’d think if you were talking to someone for ages and they started talking to other people on their phone, checking eBay etc you’d get the hint that they weren’t interested. This is not the case though. If someone just talks for hours on end, subtle hints go out the window and being blatantly rude is the only option. I didn’t walk away. One day.
When was the last time you had something with marzipan on it? I like marzipan, but you just don’t see it about much anymore.
I saw a sort of ex in town today. Well, more of an acquaintance I had a one time thing with. It’s somewhere between those two. I had a few things to do and said I’d be back that way in a few minutes, but when I got back, he’d gone. I thought we got on alright, but I suppose I was wrong.
The weather has once again spoiled my plans for tomorrow. I was supposed to be going to the beach, but the forecast says it will be raining so changed my mind. As it happens, I’ve been offered a few hours work. To go from spending a nice day with fun people to spending it working with an ignorant tosser who doesn’t respect his workers, even though he prides himself on being a good person, is not the greatest. He claims to be against exploiting staff and zero hours contracts etc, but I never know when I’ll next be working or for how long. He can be quite rude too. He often complains that people don’t listen to his instructions and gets angry. I believe that if people around you are constantly getting things wrong, it probably means that you haven’t explained it well enough.